(!!!)

stop right there, that's exactly where i lost it. see that line, well i never should've crossed it. stop right there, well i never should've said that. it's the very moment that i wish that i could take back. i talk to absolutely no one. couldn't keep to myself enough. and the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that i'd soon blow up. and i heard the reverberating footsteps synching up to the beating of my heart. and i was positive that unless i got myself together i would watch me fall apart. i'm sorry for the person i became. i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. i'm ready to make sure i never become that way again. cos who i am hates who i've been. and i can't let that happen again. and who i am will take the second chance you gave me.

ouch.

everything on my body hurts so much right now that its making me feel physically sick. apparently i "look more pale than usual. and like.. tired and worn down. look like you need a good long rest".
saturday was amazing and i loved every second of it. even the long, drunk walk home. sunday i was fine for the first half, just a bit of a headache.. and now i can barely move some of my body parts because of the pain. i may have partied a liiiitttle too hard the other night.

good long rest? i'm scheduled for another night out on wednesday. i'm pretty sure i will not be pouring alcohol into my body on wednesday though.. which may or may not change the aftermath.

and next saturday.. well next saturday will go off even more. work on sunday will be a rather messy experience.. sorry if you have to work with my sore, tired self that day.

maybe i will take a break sometime soon and rest a little. i do look like shit a lot lately. not sleeping much, not really standing still much.. might chill for a bit. spend a few days at home quietly with ice packs all over my body.

supposed to go back to the doctor on tuesday but i don't think i will.
the moment i walked in the door she said "oh wow.. what happened to you? or.. sorry.. are you always this pale?" no, no i'm not. i just havent seen the inside of my eyelids, or much the sun for a little while. oh dear.

&

so here i go.

can't ruin this run

you know what. yesterday i just lay in my bed. sometimes awake, sometimes asleep and sometimes half way between both in some kind of warped world that shouldn't exist. today will be different. because even though yesterday is guarenteed to make me feel shit for a while, everything else in my life right now balances it out to not seem so terrible. not even just balance it, but makes it look like nothing.

i spend my time either working, sleeping or spending my days/nights with some of my very best friends. i spend a lot of time at the pub. and it doesn't bother me. you can't rain on my parade right now. because between money, my best mates and new faces that thrill me in a way that iv missed, i'm actually really god damn happy.

so fuck off enter score, because you ruined yesterday, and you're not going to ruin today. i'm going to see sam :] and i'm going to spend some money.

you're not kidding.

i have no idea what to say right now.
so i'll try not to say anything..

....

... fail.
you dickhead.

again.

bye dad.

what a mess (you're a mess)

i'm pretty good at complicating things.

chill.

at the moment, i sleep a lot.
i work a lot.
i dream a lot.
and i'm bored, more so than anything else.

bah.

bottom line.

i really have never felt more hate towards anybody in my life. you are the exact opposite of a good human. i want you to get help, but i'm not the right person to give it to you. i'm not going to step lightly and try not to hurt you anymore, because its messing me up. and its tiring me out. i really just can't do it anymore. i can't stand you. and maybe someday i might be able to again. but right now i know too much about you to like you anymore. you really just make me want to punch you in the face.

i wish you weren't here all the time. i wish i didn't have to see you anymore. it would make life so much easier.

its called a break up because its broken.

i'm too scared to properly move on in fear of hurting you more than i already have.
please hurry up and move on, so i can too.
i don't want to be stuck like this much longer.

another year.

i made it past the four year mark. i concentrated on schoolies, sam's birthday and movember to keep my mind off it. and it worked a little. not entirely though. i still thought about it all day. sent lauren a message telling her that i loved her and i was here if she needed me and to keep smiling. i guess i feel a little closer to her this time of year. i do try to avoid her everytime the 28th rolls passed. its too hard to look at her without breaking down.

four years. it never gets any easier.
adrian john evans - RIP baby. i'll love and miss you always.

twenty.

sam bruce webster.
or possibly better know as 'Tallpants'.
i love phone calls from him at 3.30am just to talk shit.
today he's 20!

"iv lived about a quarter of my life today! its been a shit quarter. the last year has been ok. not really its been pretty shit. nah it was good in some parts. nah its a good quarter, i met you in this quarter."

happy birthday, sammy - love you!
xo

schoolies.

Walhalla, "wally", "wallo".

probably the most relaxing and best 4/5 days in a long while.
chilled out in good weather with some amazing people.
met some hilarious guys.
spent a fair bit of time chatting with one of them :] :]
hung out in a river.
drank HEAPS.
ate little. (but lots of apples <3)
slept very little.
yelled a lot.
sung a lot.
named a fish.
laughed myself stupid for hours on end.
relaxed.
loved life.


best idea any of us have ever had :]
i love schoolies (and our tradie toolies).
<3 :]

:]]

i like skipping down the halls out the back of work when nobody is around. i like waking up and realising i don't have to be anywhere for hours. i like waking up to, or coming home to and empty house. i like dancing like a dickhead. i like it when i realise i am smiling for no reason at all. i like putting my head on my pillow after a long day. i like long drives with good music and the window down. i like camping trips. i like trips, in general. i like hotels, a lot. i like the feeling i get when i realise iv just passed over the NSW state line. i like it even more when i see the "Welcome to Narooma" sign at the side of the road. i like the road into Nerregundah; even though it feels like its going to collapse, i know whats on the other side of it. i like seeing nothing around me but a road, and green paddocks. i like GC ice better than regular ice. i like new things, and really old things (you know.. things that have that old smell..). i like animals, and children. i like the truth. i like hi-fives (that end in clicks). i like pulling faces. i like trains and the people i see on them. i like cities. i like new faces. i like it when i get to work early. i like it when i get out of work on time. i like bare feet. i like grass. i like books, and lots of them. i like old people that ask funny questions. i like it when people smile at me for no good reason. i like painting walls. i like memories, and things that remind me of other people. i like Saul Williams. i like quirky things/people that make me smile/giggle. i like being young. i like feeling even younger. i like that in a few hours i am going camping with some people that i really like. i like life. scratch that; i love life. :]

valedictory.

two words: shit yes.
best damn night. i love everybody that i got to share it with. some more than others, but whatever.

:]

noend.

you're still pushing.
and i just can't stop crying.

enfin, il termine.

Its only 3.39am, and iv already started to ruin my day. I just broke down a person that actually found it in themself to love me. someone who was able to look past all the shit and feel something for me. at the same time, i managed to make a decision for the first time in a long time. and i took control of something, for the first time .. ever, actually. though even when i was in control, i felt completely helpless.

he begged me to stop talking. and then he begged me to say something, anything. he told me no one could ever make me smile like he does. i wanted to throw the sress ball i was holding at his face. i couldn't look him in the eyes, because i knew he was crying. he broke me down and made me feel worse than i have in a very long time - worse than when we actually broke up. and then he said "you want me to leave. so i'm going to walk out that door and try to forget about every feeling i have towards you"
and then he stopped at the door, and he begged me to stop him. i didn't. and it took every single little bit of energy in me.

the second he walked out the door, i burst into tears. and now i here i am. alone in my bed for the first time in a while. and it feels.. something. odd, maybe.



i just broke someones heart. sitting about 2cm away from them. too weak to look them in the eyes. i never, ever want to feel like this again. it doesn't feel right, but i hope it was the right choice.
i want someone to hug me and tell me i made the right choice. tell me i havent just made a massive mistake. tell me i'll find someone else that makes me smile like that. to tell me that i'll move on and won't feel like this anymore.

i want someone to make me believe that these are the last tears i will have to cry because of him.

Thanks ?

So i tried to write it all down on a card. And i just couldn't. I'm not good at thinking of the right words when it comes to trying to thank people for having the most amazing impact ever. Nothing i say can tell those people just how much they have changed and formed the person i now am and how grateful i am to them. I owe them more than i can even begin to comprehend. I hate that i don't have a better way to explain it to them. Eff.

here.

(oh there aint no love, no Montagues and Capulets.)

//

stop making the eyes at me, i'll stop making the eyes at you.
and what it is that suprises me, is that i don't really want you to.
lighting the fuse might result in a bang-b-b-bang.

don't know if you're looking for romance or..
i don't know what you're looking for.

whatever it is....

maybe theres a secret to life. a secret that people try to find every single day. a secret that motivates people. and maybe its not in sitting up all night, everynight, and working off about 2-3 hours sleep per 24 hour gap. maybe its not found in drugs. maybe its not found in alcohol. and maybe its not found in completely emotionless sex. maybe the secret isn't how many random girls i can kiss, or sleep with. maybe it isnt in money, or fame. maybe its not found in dreaming, or wishing. maybe its not hope, but maybe it is faith. maybe its not found in preparing yourself for the rest of your life, maybe its found in actually living. maybe its found on the road. or in the sea. or in the sky. maybe its found inside the earth, deep down. maybe its found deep down inside of every person. maybe we strive for a pre-concieved life, but stray away from the secret. maybe we ask the wrong questions, believe the wrong answers.. look in the wrong places. maybe we hide more than we seek. maybe we're always polo, and never marco. maybe children are closer to the secret than anybody else. maybe its found inside four walls, or maybe its unable to be contained. maybe its there, but we just can't see it. maybe its a secret, because its meant to be secret. maybe this secret is even more beautiful than the secret of the garden. maybe its a seed thats waiting to be watered, but nobody can find anywhere to fill their can. maybe its a heart with no blood to pump. maybe its pain felt., maybe pain is the key to bliss. maybe it really is in ignorance, but probably not. maybe its in 3am, where all of my secrets are held. maybe its scared to show itself, in fear that humans will take it and abuse it. god knows we've done that with everything else we've been given. maybe it is found in God, or Buddah, or inside all of the Gods. maybe the secret is in sleep. maybe its love, maybe its amazement. maybe its appreciation. or really and truely opening your eyes. maybe the secret to life, is simply just being alive.

2 x 2 =

these are obviously not to the same two people...
though both make me as angry as the other.


A)
i wanted to scream in your face tonight. how dare you say that to me. how dare you try to shut me down just because how dare you try to make me feel like everything that has happened is my fault. i don't agree with you. i am so sick of your shit. and i'm not even going to pretend anymore. fuck you, seriously.


B)
i have never met someone that i have wanted to just disappear as much as you. i couldnt believe you when you broke him down the first time, but now to go and do it again! everytime i look at that black eye it will make me so fucking mad. everytime i thikn about it, it makes me damn mad!! tonight when he said "well i couldnt hit her.." and i yelled down the phone "well i will then!" i meant it. and thats coming from the least violent person ever. although, if i ever see your filthy, lying whore of a face again i won't keep my mouth shut. if you break him down again, i am going to make your life hell. fuck off out of his life and stop trying to ruin it.

filth.

Last night was probably the biggest mistake iv made in so long. Every single part of it makes me want to kill you. Part of me doesn't believe that you didn't plan it. You did, however, give up the lies and confirmed my suspicions. I can safely say that i'm more back to hating you than i am to liking you. I'm glad you weren't in my house still when i got up.. because it would not have ended nicely.

I really hurt Dawkins. And i really hurt Sam. Two of my 4 male best friends. The two guys that care more about me than most of the people i know. The two guys that look after me, and watch my back, and constantly have put up with my shit.
I don't know how many times iv said sorry.. but i'll keep saying it. Because theres nothing i can do to take it back. And theres nothing i can do to make this any better. But i'm doing my best.


I thought i knew myself better than this.
Apparently, i was wrong.

30/10/08 SBW.

So today was probably one of the best days of my life. After i got school out of the way, Sam and I went on a road trip. We had no idea where we were going, we just picked a direction & drove. When we came to a road we decided which way to go on the spot. It was good. I won't go into detail.. but it involved a lot of dirt roads, farms, beautiful houses, cows, horses, a bunch of tiny country towns, a crumby beach, a great beach, buying pj pants & a shirt & towels from an Op Shop in Flinders to go swimming in the great beach, Sam spending the rest of the day in his underwear, the view at arthur's seat, the same 5 songs on repeat with both of us singing as loudly as we could, the best damn smile ever, and a break from routine that both of us dearly needed. Riding shotgun in his car while we go road tripping is the best feeling. Thankyou Sammy Tallpants :]

[i might be short, but he's in his underwear! how good are our new op shop towels!]

My bed is covered in sand, dammit.

CTR rings mean more than three words now..

Just one look at you, and i'm exactly where i was over a year and a half ago.
I couldn't get rid of the photos of me & him.. but the minute i saw your face, they were gone. Finding you has been all iv been able to think about since you left. Last night was my last try.. if i didn't find you then, i was giving up. And there you were. With that goofy look on your face, and then with the beautiful smile. The best smile in the world :]

Looking at you makes me want to cry because i remember how i felt everytime you were around. And how thats never happened since you left.

I'm glad i didn't stop looking, and apparently so are you.
This moment couldn't be sweeter unless you were standing in front of me.
And even though you're city streets are so damn far from me, i'll still smile when i think of you. Because if theres anyone worth waiting for, it's you.

You've got me both hooked and sinking...

You can say anything and it rips me up.

Make me feel like my heart might be ready to be thrilled again..

i'm a little unsure why i'm the one thats worried about you.
and also a little unsure of why i'm the one in tears over this, when i should be the one brushing it off, or maybe not even listening to begin with.

i had so much hate for you. thats the only time that i have ever actually wanted to hurt someone. physically, emotionally..
because you hurt me so damn much. you broke me down to whole new level and left me there to pick myself back up from it. and i hated you so much.

id like to think i still do. but i'm too tired to hate anymore. i still haven't picked myself up from the first time yet, and theres not enough energy left in me to hate you. so i'll take whatever you have to throw at me, and i'll let you break me down. because i just can't be bothered fighting anymore.

tonight i saw you let down your guard for a second. i was the bigger person, and you gave me opportunity to take advantage of that. but i just sat here. and now i'm actually worried about you. now i worry for you, while you break me down.

if i don't worry about you, nobody else will.
i hate that i'm the person caring about you and for you.
and i hate that you're the person pulling me apart.
but somehow, i sortof like that we're talking again.
what the fuck is going on.

end of the 2008 school year.

i'm 98% convinced that this has probably been the best year of my life so far.
these are the people that made it what it was, and i don't think they will ever really know just how much i appreciate them.




Monterey Secondary College Class of 2008.
as often as i say i hate that place, it holds more memories for me than my own mind, and has forced me to grow into whatever it is you might call the person iv become.
thankyou monterey :]

yes...

life is good.
except school is doing my head in.

whatever.
:]

i do not know

i have no idea why i did this.
okay, lie.
i do.

it was so i could comment on jacqui's blog thing since she's abandoned her LJ.
then i realised i could comment without the account.
way to check beforehand.

anyway.
now its here..
so i guess i'll try to update it when i update my LJ?
who knows.
i will probably forget about it soon.
promise i'll try not to.


hi :]