Its only 3.39am, and iv already started to ruin my day. I just broke down a person that actually found it in themself to love me. someone who was able to look past all the shit and feel something for me. at the same time, i managed to make a decision for the first time in a long time. and i took control of something, for the first time .. ever, actually. though even when i was in control, i felt completely helpless.
he begged me to stop talking. and then he begged me to say something, anything. he told me no one could ever make me smile like he does. i wanted to throw the sress ball i was holding at his face. i couldn't look him in the eyes, because i knew he was crying. he broke me down and made me feel worse than i have in a very long time - worse than when we actually broke up. and then he said "you want me to leave. so i'm going to walk out that door and try to forget about every feeling i have towards you"
and then he stopped at the door, and he begged me to stop him. i didn't. and it took every single little bit of energy in me.
the second he walked out the door, i burst into tears. and now i here i am. alone in my bed for the first time in a while. and it feels.. something. odd, maybe.
i just broke someones heart. sitting about 2cm away from them. too weak to look them in the eyes. i never, ever want to feel like this again. it doesn't feel right, but i hope it was the right choice.
i want someone to hug me and tell me i made the right choice. tell me i havent just made a massive mistake. tell me i'll find someone else that makes me smile like that. to tell me that i'll move on and won't feel like this anymore.
i want someone to make me believe that these are the last tears i will have to cry because of him.
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