its called a break up because its broken.

i'm too scared to properly move on in fear of hurting you more than i already have.
please hurry up and move on, so i can too.
i don't want to be stuck like this much longer.

another year.

i made it past the four year mark. i concentrated on schoolies, sam's birthday and movember to keep my mind off it. and it worked a little. not entirely though. i still thought about it all day. sent lauren a message telling her that i loved her and i was here if she needed me and to keep smiling. i guess i feel a little closer to her this time of year. i do try to avoid her everytime the 28th rolls passed. its too hard to look at her without breaking down.

four years. it never gets any easier.
adrian john evans - RIP baby. i'll love and miss you always.

twenty.

sam bruce webster.
or possibly better know as 'Tallpants'.
i love phone calls from him at 3.30am just to talk shit.
today he's 20!

"iv lived about a quarter of my life today! its been a shit quarter. the last year has been ok. not really its been pretty shit. nah it was good in some parts. nah its a good quarter, i met you in this quarter."

happy birthday, sammy - love you!
xo

schoolies.

Walhalla, "wally", "wallo".

probably the most relaxing and best 4/5 days in a long while.
chilled out in good weather with some amazing people.
met some hilarious guys.
spent a fair bit of time chatting with one of them :] :]
hung out in a river.
drank HEAPS.
ate little. (but lots of apples <3)
slept very little.
yelled a lot.
sung a lot.
named a fish.
laughed myself stupid for hours on end.
relaxed.
loved life.


best idea any of us have ever had :]
i love schoolies (and our tradie toolies).
<3 :]

:]]

i like skipping down the halls out the back of work when nobody is around. i like waking up and realising i don't have to be anywhere for hours. i like waking up to, or coming home to and empty house. i like dancing like a dickhead. i like it when i realise i am smiling for no reason at all. i like putting my head on my pillow after a long day. i like long drives with good music and the window down. i like camping trips. i like trips, in general. i like hotels, a lot. i like the feeling i get when i realise iv just passed over the NSW state line. i like it even more when i see the "Welcome to Narooma" sign at the side of the road. i like the road into Nerregundah; even though it feels like its going to collapse, i know whats on the other side of it. i like seeing nothing around me but a road, and green paddocks. i like GC ice better than regular ice. i like new things, and really old things (you know.. things that have that old smell..). i like animals, and children. i like the truth. i like hi-fives (that end in clicks). i like pulling faces. i like trains and the people i see on them. i like cities. i like new faces. i like it when i get to work early. i like it when i get out of work on time. i like bare feet. i like grass. i like books, and lots of them. i like old people that ask funny questions. i like it when people smile at me for no good reason. i like painting walls. i like memories, and things that remind me of other people. i like Saul Williams. i like quirky things/people that make me smile/giggle. i like being young. i like feeling even younger. i like that in a few hours i am going camping with some people that i really like. i like life. scratch that; i love life. :]

valedictory.

two words: shit yes.
best damn night. i love everybody that i got to share it with. some more than others, but whatever.

:]

noend.

you're still pushing.
and i just can't stop crying.

enfin, il termine.

Its only 3.39am, and iv already started to ruin my day. I just broke down a person that actually found it in themself to love me. someone who was able to look past all the shit and feel something for me. at the same time, i managed to make a decision for the first time in a long time. and i took control of something, for the first time .. ever, actually. though even when i was in control, i felt completely helpless.

he begged me to stop talking. and then he begged me to say something, anything. he told me no one could ever make me smile like he does. i wanted to throw the sress ball i was holding at his face. i couldn't look him in the eyes, because i knew he was crying. he broke me down and made me feel worse than i have in a very long time - worse than when we actually broke up. and then he said "you want me to leave. so i'm going to walk out that door and try to forget about every feeling i have towards you"
and then he stopped at the door, and he begged me to stop him. i didn't. and it took every single little bit of energy in me.

the second he walked out the door, i burst into tears. and now i here i am. alone in my bed for the first time in a while. and it feels.. something. odd, maybe.



i just broke someones heart. sitting about 2cm away from them. too weak to look them in the eyes. i never, ever want to feel like this again. it doesn't feel right, but i hope it was the right choice.
i want someone to hug me and tell me i made the right choice. tell me i havent just made a massive mistake. tell me i'll find someone else that makes me smile like that. to tell me that i'll move on and won't feel like this anymore.

i want someone to make me believe that these are the last tears i will have to cry because of him.

Thanks ?

So i tried to write it all down on a card. And i just couldn't. I'm not good at thinking of the right words when it comes to trying to thank people for having the most amazing impact ever. Nothing i say can tell those people just how much they have changed and formed the person i now am and how grateful i am to them. I owe them more than i can even begin to comprehend. I hate that i don't have a better way to explain it to them. Eff.

here.

(oh there aint no love, no Montagues and Capulets.)

//

stop making the eyes at me, i'll stop making the eyes at you.
and what it is that suprises me, is that i don't really want you to.
lighting the fuse might result in a bang-b-b-bang.

don't know if you're looking for romance or..
i don't know what you're looking for.

whatever it is....

maybe theres a secret to life. a secret that people try to find every single day. a secret that motivates people. and maybe its not in sitting up all night, everynight, and working off about 2-3 hours sleep per 24 hour gap. maybe its not found in drugs. maybe its not found in alcohol. and maybe its not found in completely emotionless sex. maybe the secret isn't how many random girls i can kiss, or sleep with. maybe it isnt in money, or fame. maybe its not found in dreaming, or wishing. maybe its not hope, but maybe it is faith. maybe its not found in preparing yourself for the rest of your life, maybe its found in actually living. maybe its found on the road. or in the sea. or in the sky. maybe its found inside the earth, deep down. maybe its found deep down inside of every person. maybe we strive for a pre-concieved life, but stray away from the secret. maybe we ask the wrong questions, believe the wrong answers.. look in the wrong places. maybe we hide more than we seek. maybe we're always polo, and never marco. maybe children are closer to the secret than anybody else. maybe its found inside four walls, or maybe its unable to be contained. maybe its there, but we just can't see it. maybe its a secret, because its meant to be secret. maybe this secret is even more beautiful than the secret of the garden. maybe its a seed thats waiting to be watered, but nobody can find anywhere to fill their can. maybe its a heart with no blood to pump. maybe its pain felt., maybe pain is the key to bliss. maybe it really is in ignorance, but probably not. maybe its in 3am, where all of my secrets are held. maybe its scared to show itself, in fear that humans will take it and abuse it. god knows we've done that with everything else we've been given. maybe it is found in God, or Buddah, or inside all of the Gods. maybe the secret is in sleep. maybe its love, maybe its amazement. maybe its appreciation. or really and truely opening your eyes. maybe the secret to life, is simply just being alive.

2 x 2 =

these are obviously not to the same two people...
though both make me as angry as the other.


A)
i wanted to scream in your face tonight. how dare you say that to me. how dare you try to shut me down just because how dare you try to make me feel like everything that has happened is my fault. i don't agree with you. i am so sick of your shit. and i'm not even going to pretend anymore. fuck you, seriously.


B)
i have never met someone that i have wanted to just disappear as much as you. i couldnt believe you when you broke him down the first time, but now to go and do it again! everytime i look at that black eye it will make me so fucking mad. everytime i thikn about it, it makes me damn mad!! tonight when he said "well i couldnt hit her.." and i yelled down the phone "well i will then!" i meant it. and thats coming from the least violent person ever. although, if i ever see your filthy, lying whore of a face again i won't keep my mouth shut. if you break him down again, i am going to make your life hell. fuck off out of his life and stop trying to ruin it.

filth.

Last night was probably the biggest mistake iv made in so long. Every single part of it makes me want to kill you. Part of me doesn't believe that you didn't plan it. You did, however, give up the lies and confirmed my suspicions. I can safely say that i'm more back to hating you than i am to liking you. I'm glad you weren't in my house still when i got up.. because it would not have ended nicely.

I really hurt Dawkins. And i really hurt Sam. Two of my 4 male best friends. The two guys that care more about me than most of the people i know. The two guys that look after me, and watch my back, and constantly have put up with my shit.
I don't know how many times iv said sorry.. but i'll keep saying it. Because theres nothing i can do to take it back. And theres nothing i can do to make this any better. But i'm doing my best.


I thought i knew myself better than this.
Apparently, i was wrong.