(!!!)

stop right there, that's exactly where i lost it. see that line, well i never should've crossed it. stop right there, well i never should've said that. it's the very moment that i wish that i could take back. i talk to absolutely no one. couldn't keep to myself enough. and the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that i'd soon blow up. and i heard the reverberating footsteps synching up to the beating of my heart. and i was positive that unless i got myself together i would watch me fall apart. i'm sorry for the person i became. i'm sorry that it took so long for me to change. i'm ready to make sure i never become that way again. cos who i am hates who i've been. and i can't let that happen again. and who i am will take the second chance you gave me.

ouch.

everything on my body hurts so much right now that its making me feel physically sick. apparently i "look more pale than usual. and like.. tired and worn down. look like you need a good long rest".
saturday was amazing and i loved every second of it. even the long, drunk walk home. sunday i was fine for the first half, just a bit of a headache.. and now i can barely move some of my body parts because of the pain. i may have partied a liiiitttle too hard the other night.

good long rest? i'm scheduled for another night out on wednesday. i'm pretty sure i will not be pouring alcohol into my body on wednesday though.. which may or may not change the aftermath.

and next saturday.. well next saturday will go off even more. work on sunday will be a rather messy experience.. sorry if you have to work with my sore, tired self that day.

maybe i will take a break sometime soon and rest a little. i do look like shit a lot lately. not sleeping much, not really standing still much.. might chill for a bit. spend a few days at home quietly with ice packs all over my body.

supposed to go back to the doctor on tuesday but i don't think i will.
the moment i walked in the door she said "oh wow.. what happened to you? or.. sorry.. are you always this pale?" no, no i'm not. i just havent seen the inside of my eyelids, or much the sun for a little while. oh dear.

&

so here i go.

can't ruin this run

you know what. yesterday i just lay in my bed. sometimes awake, sometimes asleep and sometimes half way between both in some kind of warped world that shouldn't exist. today will be different. because even though yesterday is guarenteed to make me feel shit for a while, everything else in my life right now balances it out to not seem so terrible. not even just balance it, but makes it look like nothing.

i spend my time either working, sleeping or spending my days/nights with some of my very best friends. i spend a lot of time at the pub. and it doesn't bother me. you can't rain on my parade right now. because between money, my best mates and new faces that thrill me in a way that iv missed, i'm actually really god damn happy.

so fuck off enter score, because you ruined yesterday, and you're not going to ruin today. i'm going to see sam :] and i'm going to spend some money.

you're not kidding.

i have no idea what to say right now.
so i'll try not to say anything..

....

... fail.
you dickhead.

again.

bye dad.

what a mess (you're a mess)

i'm pretty good at complicating things.

chill.

at the moment, i sleep a lot.
i work a lot.
i dream a lot.
and i'm bored, more so than anything else.

bah.

bottom line.

i really have never felt more hate towards anybody in my life. you are the exact opposite of a good human. i want you to get help, but i'm not the right person to give it to you. i'm not going to step lightly and try not to hurt you anymore, because its messing me up. and its tiring me out. i really just can't do it anymore. i can't stand you. and maybe someday i might be able to again. but right now i know too much about you to like you anymore. you really just make me want to punch you in the face.

i wish you weren't here all the time. i wish i didn't have to see you anymore. it would make life so much easier.